You Will Search For Me In All The Others But I Won't Found.

Hello my lovelies!!!

It's been a while again since I last blogged. I have literally had soooo many busy months I haven't been able to keep up. Long story short - I ended up with a boyfriend and now I don't have one. Ha. Simple as that. He broke my heart so I have decided to write about it as I never got any closure, call me the Taylor Swift of the blogging world - do me wrong and you're going to get inked. Ha.

I broke the relationship off, not because I really wanted to but I wasn't really given a choice in the matter, I had to walk away, even though I am sad, I am happy with my decision because it turns out he didn't deserve me and this girl ain't all about being used!! Fo'sure!!

The below article is actually something I had written, along with two other pieces for an online publication. All three of my pieces have since been published on Herway.net  . To read all three pieces click here , here and here

This is an outlet for me, I am able to say the things I never got the chance to say to that person. The other piece that I did I will publish later on in the week - that piece is more about all the questions I had and still have - the ones that were never answered.

We weren't together for majorly long but it was intense and it meant something to me, even if it didn't to the other person. I don't 'fall' easily especially after what I went through last year, so this is something I didn't expect to be writing about.

I have learnt from this relationship though and that is; I am strong, I know what I want, I should be more careful with who I let into my life, I shouldn't trust what someone is telling me just because it's what I want to hear and that I am happy and content with who I am as a person. If he or anyone else can't love me for me then go take a hike because I am living for me, join the ride or not at all. :)

I am extremely proud of myself and so happy that I have helped others get closure. So far just on my one piece I have had over 6k + likes on Facebook and almost 2K shares and sooo many comments where my writing has made people cry. My real life is helping others get over theirs and I could not be anymore grateful and blessed to have so many creative 'talents' that allow me to express myself.

Enjoy.

P.S. The bold parts are to amplify the important parts - this was a requirement for this publication. I have also changed a couple of things on here compared to the original.

You will search for me in all the others but I won’t be found.

She’s the girl who would of done anything for you. The kind of girl who bent over backwards to make you happy, she’s the kind of girl who put your needs before her own. She would of loved you unconditionally.

She’s the girl who gave you cuddles and love when you were feeling down and out; or just because. She’s the girl who gave you her body when she was afraid to do so. She’s the girl who gave you her heart, soul and mind because you convinced her to let go and she did it willingly because you ‘loved her’, 'apparently'.

She’s the girl who loved to sit up talking to you until the early hours just to make you smile. She’s the girl that made you stare at her so intensely because she was herself. She’s the girl who would make a fool out of herself just to hear you laugh. She’s the naive girl who believed every word that you told her because she started to fall for you. She’s the idiot that continued to love you after you treated her so badly.

She’s the girl you will spend the rest of your life searching for.

You see, what you failed to notice was the girl standing right in front of you. The girl, that when she looked deep into your eyes, was looking for you to love her like she loved you. Like you told her you would. The girl that hugged you so tightly because she was so scared that if she let you go, you wouldn’t come back. And you didn't. You were too self absorbed and selfish to see the girl standing in front of you slipping away because you thought she would always be there no matter what! You thought wrong!

That girl would of been there if you had only just opened your eyes and treated her with the love and respect she deserved. Treated her like your girlfriend and not like a piece of disposable trash once you were done.

She was the girl who never asked for much from you, only a fraction of your time. She’s the girl that understood your other commitments that took pride over her and gave you all the space you needed even though it killed her. She’s the girl who only wanted a simple text now and then when you were busy saying that you ‘love her’ or ‘missed her’. She’s the girl who craved the attention you used to give her. The girl who accepted that she would never be a priority in your life but settled to get pieces of you as and when you’d give it.

'Your' girl should never of settled for as long as she did. She’s the girl who deserves to be someone's number one priority, she’s the girl who deserves to be loved unconditionally just like she loved you. She deserves the world and you could of given her that. You told her you would give her that. It was all so in your face. She didn’t deserve to be left out in the cold all alone because you abandoned her so cruelly, that she had no choice but to walk away. You broke her after she had just fixed herself.

This girl didn’t want to walk away, she gave you so many chances for you to understand what she was asking from you. It wasn’t a lot! She never asked you for half as much as she gave to you. This girl wanted to be needed, wanted and cared for. She was NEVER a dependant or ‘clingy’ you confused your past relationships with one that was based purely on affection and love. You allowed your past to ruin the best thing that could of happened to you. This girl didn’t want to feel so alone when she was with you. This girl soon realised that your love was a lie, you couldn’t of loved her like she loved you because you would of done anything to keep her, you would of done all the things you had promised and not hurt her so badly.

She’s the girl who laughed at your hurtful joke about something she was insecure about just so you wouldn’t know she was crying inside. She’s the girl who started to sacrifice her own happiness just so you could have yours. She’s the girl who expected nothing from you and actually got nothing. She’s the girl who would lie awake at night beside you sobbing because you stopped embracing her in your arms but would instead turn your back. She’s the girl you got into a relationship with, the one you led to believe you wanted that. This girl was drained and exhausted by you, yet she continued to believe that you would show her that "everything will be just fine" if she "just trusted you". All those empty words mean nothing.

She’s the girl you broke, whose heart you tore into two all because you didn’t realise what you had, you had her at ‘morning beautiful’. It became all about you and never about her, never about us. She’s the girl you slowly stopped contacting hoping she would just ‘go away’ when once all you did was overwhelm her. She’s the girl who hoped you didn’t lie when you told her you ‘“love” her. She’s the girl who waited by her phone for the text she knew she would never receive. She’s the girl whose stomach would jump into her mouth when you cancelled seeing her. She’s the girl who once shined so brightly but your harsh interior rapidly dimmed her light.

You told the girl you love (loved) that she exhausts you because she is a happy, bubbly person, the girl you told you would do anything for, the girl you begged to let you in and not to run. The girl you told deserved more and that you could show her/give her that. The girl you made your girlfriend when deep down you only wanted a fling - I wouldn't know anything different.

The girl who trusted you, the girl who you once kissed on the forehead and held in your arms.

She’s the girl you wouldn’t open up to, who you wouldn’t let in even though she tried so hard to be the one to ‘get you’. She’s the girl who you pushed away with your insecurities and inability to be honest about your demons. She’s the girl you rejected again and again towards ‘the end’ with your cold and detached demeanour. The girl who never asked questions about your turbulent past relationships because she thought in time you would change back to the person she first met.

She’s the girl you wouldn’t become emotionally available for. The girl you never took on an actual date, the girl you never really thought about anymore, the girl who still loved you and all of your flaws. She’s the good girl that you ‘ghosted’ because you are a coward and never grew a backbone enough to let her go.

THAT GIRL WAS ME.

I was the girl who would and could make your life better. I was the girl who would have your back through the good and the bad times. I was the girl capable of loving you like nobody else would or could. I am the girl you couldn’t keep!

It’s only in time that you will understand the pain and the hurt you have put this girl through. She never deserved that, not once did she ever cause you so much heartache, not once did she hurt you, she only ever made everything better.

When you wake up alone craving everything you once had and didn’t fight for, only then will you want, miss and need this girl who begged you not to hurt her. Who begged you not to let her walk away. You will then feel everything that she felt and more - you will have one of the biggest mistakes you have ever made haunting you. You will regret letting her go. Mark my words. Go have all the one night stands you want, get into another relationship, go do all the things in your schedule that you wouldn’t ‘fit’ her in for… You will one day wake up and realise what you had but she is now gone.  

You will never be able to touch her again, hold her in your arms again, kiss her, talk to her when you're feeling down or sleep next to her again. You will never hear her giggle at you again, cry into your chest when she was sad, you will never hear her breathe again! She is now a distant memory, a ghost... Be careful what you wish for because it might just come true.

What you should of known is this and she told you enough… She is a woman who knows her worth, she’s a woman would never put up with the same shit for too long. She’s a woman who had to make one of the hardest decisions in her life and that was to leave the man she grew to love behind as he was slowly killing her. You should of known she is a woman of her word - you disrespect her, intentionally hurt her or make her lose her trust in you and you will be quick to realise just how easy it is for her to cut you off and move on. You will no longer exist.

This is me moving on.

She remembers EVERYTHING but you will be FORGOTTEN.

This diamond will eventually find the man who would do ANYTHING for her, the king to her queen. The MAN who would die for her and not use her as a shield.

You’re the guy that everyone calls an ‘idiot’ because of your actions.

You will soon find she’s the girl you will be searching for in every other person but I will tell you now, you will never find her. Why? Because she was already standing by your side but you lost her whilst you were too busy ignoring her existence.

You were MY guy but now you’re the guy I used to know.

From the girl who will never look back.

We've All Got Issues // All The Single Ladies Put Your Hands Up.

I don't know if anyone else is the same or going through the same things but currently I feel so "blaahhhh" and there are a million reasons as to why. 

I am writing openly in this post about my current reservations.

It's not always easy to talk out loud to a real life person but it is somewhat easier to write it down to access what is really going on. 

In life there are no easy ways out nor are there magic fixes for things, especially feelings. No one can tell you how you should be feeling because deep down you want to acknowledge the fact that the 'good advice' is right but you cannot change everything that is spinning in your mind. 

I don't have a massive close knit group of friends so right now this is the next best thing, I can vent, explain and ponder on what I write on here. It gives me some comfort to know that I may not be the only one who is having a massive frickin ball of doom hanging over my head. 

I cannot say that 2015 has been the worst year ever because it's not, admittedly it's had its ups and downs but in the last few months I have had to evaluate a lot of things going on in my life. 

SINGLE WOMAN SEEKS SOMEONE... NOT JUST ANYONE... RIGHT NOW... YOU! 

To start off, I have been single for what, like... 6 years now and I thought I was okay with it. It turns out I am not, I am 28 and I am still god damn single, childless and still living with my parents. 

Hardly living the dream, right?! 

After a while it gets you down, a lot of friends have moved to the big smoke and I am left here amongst bails of hay and road kill. Not ideal. The fall out from this is that I rarely get out, a night out has become a thing of the past... A distant memory. Its tragic. How on earth am I meant to meet someone when most people don't even know I exist?! 

The guys I do meet are jerks... Actually complete asshole's and the one's I genuinely like are either taken, gay or I am firmly in their friend zone. What is actually up with that? 

I mean what is that above? Who even say's that?! THIS is why I am picky!! 

Why is it, when you find someone that you click with, feel comfortable with and can be yourself with they are untouchable? So many questions that need answering but unfortunately I don't have the resolution. 

It's rare that I can be like that with someone. The worst is when you were completely oblivious to any 'feelings' going on and then it suddenly hits you in the face like "oh hi, I thought you were doing so well but here, have a bunch of freaking emotions and thoughts. That should change things" :) 

And then, BAM.. It's hit you with full force like you have been pied in the face.

How are you meant to tell someone that you want more than what you are now without losing them forever? Catch twenty two situation, you don't tell them and you feel like you are dying a slow death. Or you tell them and risk digging your own grave. Either way you will not win the battle. 

That is happening to me and it sucks serious ass because... What, you cannot actually tell the person what you're feeling. What if what you're actually feeling isn't about the person in question but of a general situation that you are confusing into conjunction with reality? You cannot let this affect the relationship/friendship because THAT is total suicide. Plus, who am I kidding. It's never going to happen. 

 I just want the small things but that has become a game of cat and mouse. So many games. Why so many games?

Then your mind works over time just to put you on edge even more than you are already. "Do they think the same?" "No, they won't be thinking the same because er... they don't even know that you're thinking what you're thinking". Forget about the meat sweats it's the fear sweats that you need to be afraid of. 

Arrgghhhh, I really dislike being a woman sometimes because all these little hormones kick in and make you seem like a picnic short of a packet of crisps. We are NOT though, we are just trying to work out our irrational selves.   

I cry at everything at the moment (in secret as I don't like crying in front of people). I blame the music in a lot the things I watch... It can't possibly be ME!! I am a happy soul and I don't like feeling crappy. I thought it was about a main reason, I think it was about that main reason. Maybe it's not. Who knows?! 

I wish I was one of those people who could just switch off completely but I can't. I am learning and it's hard. You wouldn't be able to tell though because I hide the reality from my face. Poker face expert me. :D

Being an adult really isn't all that fun, I want to be in London... Since I was young I have always said I will move to London and then to New York (obviously I wasn't thinking straight back then as I have a fear of flying. Ha). I am just too scared to do it on my own. I really do annoy myself. 

I love how I am just venting here and most of it probably doesn't even make sense. 

2016 is now here and I don't know what the hell that's going to bring me, but it better be some good luck. 

I want to be in a job/career that I love and if that does mean moving to London then that's what I will have to do. Maybe have a panic attack in between. Ha. 

And I want all the other things that a woman wants in life. 

Right now, I am biding my time for all the right reasons, that said, doing so will bring me all the things that I want.

Hopefully.  

Guinea Pig Attachment.

My fluffy monkey Cody.

This is a LONG one...

Okay guys, I know I haven't done a blog post for a few days now, but there has been a genuine reason. 

And this reason is pictured above,

and this is my Cody.

I write about and photograph all things fashion and beauty related right?! But I also have 'life' attached to the end of that little heading. And this right here is part of my life, it's real.

I wanted to take the time to write a post about something that effects my every day life in the most stressful ways, but also in the best ways. 

To most people, yes, he is "just a guinea pig", but to me he is regarded in the same manner as if he were a dog or a cat. He is still a living creature, he has feelings and he has the most awesome personality.

Cody hasn't been an easy ride, let me tell you! You would think just by going into a pet store to buy an animal it would be easy as pie, yeah? 

No. No it wasn't.

What was about to hit me like a tonne of bricks was something I had NEVER anticipated when homing this monkey. In a way this post is telling you my story (in short as it is majorly long) but also advising you readers out there that are animal lovers. 

I got Cody at around 8 weeks old. He was teeny, alert and most of all he was cute and already had a quirky personality. 

I fell in love instantly.

Unfortunately, after this picture was taken (the day I got him home) I noticed something wasn't quite right with him. He was sneezing constantly and scratching like a maniac. 

I love to research, especially when it is to do with animals as I have a major passion for them and their care, and I concluded by his symptoms that he had a URI (Upper Respiratory Infection) and Ringworm. Now, the URI needed to be dealt with straight away, as guinea pigs go down hill very rapidly and they hide their illnesses well until the last minute. And well, the ringworm was contagious as hell and it must have been hurting him.

Ha, no word of a lie my mum was cleaning everything like a dog on heat, she wouldn't leave anything untouched.

Bleach became our new best friend!!

The next day, he went back to the vets and this is where my hell began. He stayed in their care for months, it was horrible. I didn't really get to see him and I felt so helpless. I was even suggested that I "swap" him for another one or "given back". These remarks made me furious. He isn't a mobile phone that you can just send back because it's faulty. He is a living creature. Just imagine if I had given him back, I would have never of forgiven myself. 

I believed in Cody and I knew he would make it. He was strong.

He was however in a bad way. He was on antibiotics for months and even to this day he is still on them. My knowledge on guinea pigs, their care, medicines, diet, warning signs and illness is above average and most of the time I have diagnosed him before the vets have even figured out what is wrong. 

That is the shocking thing, I am untrained yet I spotted all the signs and symptoms! (That is is a WHOLE different story on its own.)

I won't go into major details as this post would be going on for weeks, ha.  But yeah, I eventually got him back like this.

He had grown LOADS and was sooooo long. I was a little shocked. Obviously, now he is quite the chunk but it was still strange and he was so tame too. 

I thought my ordeal was over. 

He was on continuous medication but when I brought him back on this day, I noticed a scabby patch on his right ear and some on his nose before that and it wasn't again picked up. So he had another trip back to the vets. I literally spend most of my time there these days. They suspected ringworm on his ear and took him back in. It was then confirmed a week or so later that it was a bacterial infection.

From the very beginning of me taking Cody to the vets I complained about his ear scratching and head flicking but nothing was really done about it. 

And now, we come to the present day. For over a year Cody has been on various different types of medication; Septrin, Baytril, Metronidazole, Loxicom and Emeprid. It's got to the point now where I indistinctly know when to give him medicine and what type. Oh, and another thing I learnt, just like humans, guinea pigs very much dislike having to take their foul tasting medicine. It is a daily struggle, but I have been doing it for so long now I am a pro. 

I now know all about GI Statis, bloat, rhinitis  when he becomes what the professionals call 'Anoretic' (stops eating and drinking), I have to deal with seizures, him almost dying from poor advice. You name it I have been through it with this guinea. I know A LOT. 

And now chronic middle ear infection. 

I would just like to point out that, I have tried SO hard to save his life because I had a gut instinct and knew he was too healthy to be put to sleep. And that if at any point he was severely suffering I would NOT of kept him alive for my own benefit.

 Cody had gotten over his persistent URI and stubborn Ringworm but was left with Rhinitis (which is rare in guinea pigs) that makes him allergic and sensitive to a lot of things. He cannot have wood shavings as his main bedding so now his cage is made of fleecing, he is allergic to grass (his favourite) and his hay irritates him. 

It's a lot of hard work. I never did think when I brought him that both me and him would be going through all of this stress. 

He is worth it though. :) 

Last week, I had to take Cody to Bristol (UK) for a CT scan. It is a long way from where I live but I needed to know what was going on with his ears. As I mentioned earlier from the beginning he had been constantly irritated by his ears and on Christmas day  13' he developed a 'head tilt' which becomes present when an animal has an ear problem. He lost his balance and began having mini seizures which was so upsetting to watch. Again, I researched and I concluded he had signs of a middle ear infection. He also had green matter being brought up his ear canal which showed he had some sort of infection that just wasn't budging. Cody isn't an ordinary guinea, he is a moody piggy and dislikes being touched and held and is very anti-social that way.

With what he has been through I am not surprised. 

I wouldn't have him any other way though, he isn't boring that's for sure. 

Codes loves to travel and often sleeps. 

So, yeah the results came back yesterday and it wasn't great news. I was told the bone structure in both ears had severely thickened and there was fluid stuck down there. The vet also said that he is almost definitely completely deaf but otherwise he is healthy and happy. And it was confirmed this was all down to the URI he had in the beginning and that it is common knowledge that middle ear infections result from a URI. The first signs were the patch of skin on his ear, that I noticed in the beginning. The bacterial infection. 

Speaks for itself really. 

I was told they wouldn't recommend surgery after all as his ears are so small and to drain the ears could do more harm than good. 

So it is now a case of trying the last few antibiotics to try and alleviate the symptoms but he will at some point become immune to them and the day will come where I will have to make the decision to put him to sleep. 

I was and still am devastated. I have battled so hard, and apart from his ears he is a healthy and happy guinea pig. He has hair that I am jealous of, he popcorns (a jump they do when they are happy) eats like a horse (he costs me so much money) and is so funny I could watch him for hours. 

I have spent months looking after him, a lot of money, so much stress and heartache but I wouldn't change him for the world.

When you fall in love, you fall in love. 

I don't know how much time I have left with him and I am hoping we can defy the odds like we always have and I can make him better. But whatever time we do have I will make sure it's the best time he has. 

He is my little buddy and I will not give up on him. 

I hope you liked this post and at some point I will be doing an advice post on guinea pigs from my own personal experience. 

If anyone would like to ask me anything regarding this post just drop me a comment. :) 

I will now leave you with a few pictures as the vids won't upload so I will put them up at a later date.

Enjoy.

♥

This is a state of total relaxation. 

Love this picture!

What guinea pig even does this?! Look at his little frog legs! Ha ha.

Cuddles ♥

He actually puts his head on the pillow to sleep. He even moves it
to where he wants it. Too cute. 

His favourite place to 'chill'.

All of my babies :)

♥

"You are far too skinny...You need to eat more!"

Image taken from: http://www.incitingariot.com/

Okay, so this is going under the 'life' section of my blog as this is a topic that I have a strong opinion on and bugs the hell out of me. A somewhat controversial subject I agree, but also one that needs addressing.

Social media platforms are a powerful tool, one of which can be used in a negative way and not for the greater good. And recently I have been seeing a lot of posts on Facebook similar to the image I have posted in this blog. I cannot stand to see them plastered all over my wall and I end up having to comment on that said post because it infuriates me so much. I for one am an open minded person, I understand people have their own opinions on certain topics and it's fine for people to have their beliefs. But I am sorry when it comes to people's weight and shape who is anyone to judge?! The post I saw today pop up on my feed read something like "Skinny is gross" and I ended up posting a very long comment which ended up getting quite a few 'likes' and I am pretty much going to say it on this post. 

I am 5ft 6 and a bit and I weigh around 8.5 stone, which I consider a good weight for my height, others however decide that this isn't the case. Now I have ALWAYS been naturally slim and so are my family and when I was at school and even college people would question me about my weight. They would actually come up to me and ask...

"Are you anorexic?"

I would literally stand there in shock and would try to contemplate an answer that wouldn't be as offensive as the question I was just asked. The answer to that is NO. No I am not anorexic, I am just a bony person where my hips naturally stick out, I have a defined collar bone and I have tiny little wrists. I have always had a small frame and I am not massively tall and I developed late in life. I wasn't like all the other girls in primary school/high school who had boobs and a bum. I was straight up and down and had to stuff my bra (come on, we have all done it at some point in life). It wasn't until I was like 16 I started to gain a womanly shape and even now, I haven't got the biggest boobs on the planet. I am still small. It just worked out that I have pretty good genes and a fast metabolism. I don't starve myself, I eat what I want, when I want and my diet mainly consists of junk. I am not the healthiest of people, granted, actually I am pretty unfit. Ha ha. I think I would actually die if I had to run a mile somewhere. So not cool. 

Last year I decided that I wanted to tone up...Yes tone up, not lose weight,just get in shape. I started to do exercise routines in my room, I have never been to the gym. It's never appealed to me and I am quite lazy and get bored easily and I wasn't taking it all too seriously. Anyway I changed my Facebook cover photo to a picture I took after exercising as I was proud of my efforts and jeez it caused a bloody outbreak in insensitive comments. I think I was a little naive to think this wouldn't materialise. People I thought were my friends were saying some really offensive things. I had comments like this.

"You are so skinny, you need to eat more."

"That picture is promoting anorexia, I cannot let my daughter be subjected to this. I am deleting you." 

"That's wrong."

I was actually flabbergasted that these things were being written. I promptly took the image down and it actually upset me. Anyone that knows me, knows I am not god damn anorexic and it is really shocking that people are so forthright in coming out with these words without thinking about the damage it can cause. Being called 'skinny' is just as offensive as calling someone 'fat' yet it isn't as frowned upon as the latter. 

Why? 

If I had turned around to someone and said " you are too fat, you need to eat less" I would of been condemned as a bully, rude and offensive. Well isn't that what these people are doing by saying things like this to 'slim' people, me? 

No one is perfect in this world and it would be pretty boring if we were, and who are we to define what is beautiful or not. We are what we are. FACT. I am pretty thick skinned but those comments did really get to me and people need to stop and think about the effects it can have on someone's self esteem. It has now become the 'norm' to put each other down and I for one am a happy person.

 Come on people lets pipe down with the negative!!

 I sometimes wake up and say to my mum "woah, I have put some weight on my thighs" or "gosh you can really see my cellulite" and compare myself to people in magazines. This is what social media platforms, the media and ourselves have done. Made us insecure, making us conform to a society that is unrealistic. There is no denying it, we all have our flaws and that's what makes us unique, not 'wrong' or 'gross'. 

I will not apologise for the way I look, the things I eat and how I chose to live my life, and neither should you. These posts on the internet are what is wrong with this world and it can actually encourage anorexia or even obesity without you even realising it. Maybe it is to get a reaction? 

What do you think, do you agree? Have your say! :)

All in all there is a moral to this story and that is...

"If you can't say nothing nice, then don't say anything at all." 

In reality, this isn't the case. People will always voice their opinion on anything and everything. Which is fine, but please for the sake of others around you try to say something nice about someone and not pin point their weight. 

Live life to the full and don't let others bring you down. WE ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL!! 

 ♥