You Will Search For Me In All The Others But I Won't Found.

Hello my lovelies!!!

It's been a while again since I last blogged. I have literally had soooo many busy months I haven't been able to keep up. Long story short - I ended up with a boyfriend and now I don't have one. Ha. Simple as that. He broke my heart so I have decided to write about it as I never got any closure, call me the Taylor Swift of the blogging world - do me wrong and you're going to get inked. Ha.

I broke the relationship off, not because I really wanted to but I wasn't really given a choice in the matter, I had to walk away, even though I am sad, I am happy with my decision because it turns out he didn't deserve me and this girl ain't all about being used!! Fo'sure!!

The below article is actually something I had written, along with two other pieces for an online publication. All three of my pieces have since been published on Herway.net  . To read all three pieces click here , here and here

This is an outlet for me, I am able to say the things I never got the chance to say to that person. The other piece that I did I will publish later on in the week - that piece is more about all the questions I had and still have - the ones that were never answered.

We weren't together for majorly long but it was intense and it meant something to me, even if it didn't to the other person. I don't 'fall' easily especially after what I went through last year, so this is something I didn't expect to be writing about.

I have learnt from this relationship though and that is; I am strong, I know what I want, I should be more careful with who I let into my life, I shouldn't trust what someone is telling me just because it's what I want to hear and that I am happy and content with who I am as a person. If he or anyone else can't love me for me then go take a hike because I am living for me, join the ride or not at all. :)

I am extremely proud of myself and so happy that I have helped others get closure. So far just on my one piece I have had over 6k + likes on Facebook and almost 2K shares and sooo many comments where my writing has made people cry. My real life is helping others get over theirs and I could not be anymore grateful and blessed to have so many creative 'talents' that allow me to express myself.

Enjoy.

P.S. The bold parts are to amplify the important parts - this was a requirement for this publication. I have also changed a couple of things on here compared to the original.

You will search for me in all the others but I won’t be found.

She’s the girl who would of done anything for you. The kind of girl who bent over backwards to make you happy, she’s the kind of girl who put your needs before her own. She would of loved you unconditionally.

She’s the girl who gave you cuddles and love when you were feeling down and out; or just because. She’s the girl who gave you her body when she was afraid to do so. She’s the girl who gave you her heart, soul and mind because you convinced her to let go and she did it willingly because you ‘loved her’, 'apparently'.

She’s the girl who loved to sit up talking to you until the early hours just to make you smile. She’s the girl that made you stare at her so intensely because she was herself. She’s the girl who would make a fool out of herself just to hear you laugh. She’s the naive girl who believed every word that you told her because she started to fall for you. She’s the idiot that continued to love you after you treated her so badly.

She’s the girl you will spend the rest of your life searching for.

You see, what you failed to notice was the girl standing right in front of you. The girl, that when she looked deep into your eyes, was looking for you to love her like she loved you. Like you told her you would. The girl that hugged you so tightly because she was so scared that if she let you go, you wouldn’t come back. And you didn't. You were too self absorbed and selfish to see the girl standing in front of you slipping away because you thought she would always be there no matter what! You thought wrong!

That girl would of been there if you had only just opened your eyes and treated her with the love and respect she deserved. Treated her like your girlfriend and not like a piece of disposable trash once you were done.

She was the girl who never asked for much from you, only a fraction of your time. She’s the girl that understood your other commitments that took pride over her and gave you all the space you needed even though it killed her. She’s the girl who only wanted a simple text now and then when you were busy saying that you ‘love her’ or ‘missed her’. She’s the girl who craved the attention you used to give her. The girl who accepted that she would never be a priority in your life but settled to get pieces of you as and when you’d give it.

'Your' girl should never of settled for as long as she did. She’s the girl who deserves to be someone's number one priority, she’s the girl who deserves to be loved unconditionally just like she loved you. She deserves the world and you could of given her that. You told her you would give her that. It was all so in your face. She didn’t deserve to be left out in the cold all alone because you abandoned her so cruelly, that she had no choice but to walk away. You broke her after she had just fixed herself.

This girl didn’t want to walk away, she gave you so many chances for you to understand what she was asking from you. It wasn’t a lot! She never asked you for half as much as she gave to you. This girl wanted to be needed, wanted and cared for. She was NEVER a dependant or ‘clingy’ you confused your past relationships with one that was based purely on affection and love. You allowed your past to ruin the best thing that could of happened to you. This girl didn’t want to feel so alone when she was with you. This girl soon realised that your love was a lie, you couldn’t of loved her like she loved you because you would of done anything to keep her, you would of done all the things you had promised and not hurt her so badly.

She’s the girl who laughed at your hurtful joke about something she was insecure about just so you wouldn’t know she was crying inside. She’s the girl who started to sacrifice her own happiness just so you could have yours. She’s the girl who expected nothing from you and actually got nothing. She’s the girl who would lie awake at night beside you sobbing because you stopped embracing her in your arms but would instead turn your back. She’s the girl you got into a relationship with, the one you led to believe you wanted that. This girl was drained and exhausted by you, yet she continued to believe that you would show her that "everything will be just fine" if she "just trusted you". All those empty words mean nothing.

She’s the girl you broke, whose heart you tore into two all because you didn’t realise what you had, you had her at ‘morning beautiful’. It became all about you and never about her, never about us. She’s the girl you slowly stopped contacting hoping she would just ‘go away’ when once all you did was overwhelm her. She’s the girl who hoped you didn’t lie when you told her you ‘“love” her. She’s the girl who waited by her phone for the text she knew she would never receive. She’s the girl whose stomach would jump into her mouth when you cancelled seeing her. She’s the girl who once shined so brightly but your harsh interior rapidly dimmed her light.

You told the girl you love (loved) that she exhausts you because she is a happy, bubbly person, the girl you told you would do anything for, the girl you begged to let you in and not to run. The girl you told deserved more and that you could show her/give her that. The girl you made your girlfriend when deep down you only wanted a fling - I wouldn't know anything different.

The girl who trusted you, the girl who you once kissed on the forehead and held in your arms.

She’s the girl you wouldn’t open up to, who you wouldn’t let in even though she tried so hard to be the one to ‘get you’. She’s the girl who you pushed away with your insecurities and inability to be honest about your demons. She’s the girl you rejected again and again towards ‘the end’ with your cold and detached demeanour. The girl who never asked questions about your turbulent past relationships because she thought in time you would change back to the person she first met.

She’s the girl you wouldn’t become emotionally available for. The girl you never took on an actual date, the girl you never really thought about anymore, the girl who still loved you and all of your flaws. She’s the good girl that you ‘ghosted’ because you are a coward and never grew a backbone enough to let her go.

THAT GIRL WAS ME.

I was the girl who would and could make your life better. I was the girl who would have your back through the good and the bad times. I was the girl capable of loving you like nobody else would or could. I am the girl you couldn’t keep!

It’s only in time that you will understand the pain and the hurt you have put this girl through. She never deserved that, not once did she ever cause you so much heartache, not once did she hurt you, she only ever made everything better.

When you wake up alone craving everything you once had and didn’t fight for, only then will you want, miss and need this girl who begged you not to hurt her. Who begged you not to let her walk away. You will then feel everything that she felt and more - you will have one of the biggest mistakes you have ever made haunting you. You will regret letting her go. Mark my words. Go have all the one night stands you want, get into another relationship, go do all the things in your schedule that you wouldn’t ‘fit’ her in for… You will one day wake up and realise what you had but she is now gone.  

You will never be able to touch her again, hold her in your arms again, kiss her, talk to her when you're feeling down or sleep next to her again. You will never hear her giggle at you again, cry into your chest when she was sad, you will never hear her breathe again! She is now a distant memory, a ghost... Be careful what you wish for because it might just come true.

What you should of known is this and she told you enough… She is a woman who knows her worth, she’s a woman would never put up with the same shit for too long. She’s a woman who had to make one of the hardest decisions in her life and that was to leave the man she grew to love behind as he was slowly killing her. You should of known she is a woman of her word - you disrespect her, intentionally hurt her or make her lose her trust in you and you will be quick to realise just how easy it is for her to cut you off and move on. You will no longer exist.

This is me moving on.

She remembers EVERYTHING but you will be FORGOTTEN.

This diamond will eventually find the man who would do ANYTHING for her, the king to her queen. The MAN who would die for her and not use her as a shield.

You’re the guy that everyone calls an ‘idiot’ because of your actions.

You will soon find she’s the girl you will be searching for in every other person but I will tell you now, you will never find her. Why? Because she was already standing by your side but you lost her whilst you were too busy ignoring her existence.

You were MY guy but now you’re the guy I used to know.

From the girl who will never look back.