You Broke Me So I Walked Away - I AM GOOD ENOUGH - AS SEEN ON 'HER WAY'

To the man who broke my heart.

I don’t think you realise what you have done. I don’t think you understand how you have broken me. I don’t think you ever understood me at all and that’s a shame because now you’re going to hear it.

How could you do that to me? How could you let me cry myself to sleep? I never did sleep did I and you knew that. You knew when you finally read the messages I sent you, days later you read them, and you left me there alone, you never once responded. I was dead to you… I am dead to you.

You knew everything I had been through before I met you, you knew I didn’t want to let anyone in. You found me, you pursued me, you hooked me in. And for what? For fucking what?! Was it all just a game to you? “Treat them mean to keep them keen” you said. Good job dude because you didn’t keep me keen, you pushed me away that much, you lost me.

I had my guard firmly up to protect myself and protect my heart. I didn’t want to feel the pain of losing someone. I didn’t want the agonising feeling of being let down time and time again, to be used, to feel unloveable, unwanted and ‘not good enough’.

The truth is I AM GOOD ENOUGH!!

You were just too selfish to see it. I told you I was scared of getting hurt again. I tried to push you away in fear that this person I am letting into my life is going to break me when I have just pieced myself back together. You told me to trust you, you told me to let you in, not to run away. You promised that you would treat me like a princess, that I deserved so much more than I had ever received. You told me that you loved me. Completely and utterly. You lied… You broke your promises.

So what if you have been hurt in the past—haven’t we fucking all?! You are not something special, we have all been through shit that almost killed us. The difference is you used your insecurities and issues against the one person who was there for you and would of been there for you through everything. The one person who loved you properly. You wouldn’t allow me in, you did what you begged me not to do. You left me outside in the cold. How could you be so heartless?!

I am never going to apologise for loving you—the love and attention I gave you was more than you deserved.

It was love which I deserved. You never loved me; you told me what you thought I wanted to hear. If you loved someone like you claimed, you would NEVER want to hurt them, make them cry or make them feel used. Did you care though? I don’t think you did and you still don’t now. If you cared, if you loved me, if you wanted me in your life you would have fought for me, for us.

I did the fighting for the both of us and now I am exhausted.

How could you change from the guy that you made me fall in love with to the man you are now? I say ‘man’ but I use that term very loosely because to be a man, you would not be a coward, a liar and so utterly cruel. You were so intense in the beginning, showering me with compliments. We would talk every day until the early hours. You were the male version of me.

We had an instant connection. YOU ARE NOTHING YOU MADE YOURSELF OUT TO BE! You have two personalities: the affectionate, warm, loving and attentive side and then the cold, emotionless, hard hearted and thoughtless side. A side I never knew about until it was too late. Until I had fallen for you. That side I didn’t like. You made me nervous to be around you. It made me so anxious that I felt sick. I couldn’t open up to you fully. I was scared you were going to run away. I was scared I was going to say the wrong thing. I was scared of the whole thing.

Why did you suddenly turn so cold and unapproachable? The only time I felt close to you was when we were intimate and even then it wasn’t like it used to be. I felt like crying afterwards. I did cry afterwards but you wouldn’t have known because I hid those tears from you whilst you fell asleep after getting what you wanted.

It became all about you, what you wanted, what you needed. Not once did you think about me and how I was feeling, if I was okay. You turned into a person I no longer knew. I lost the connection with you. To be with someone and feel so alone is crippling. Being with the person you learned to love because you thought you could and to be rejected by you time and time again killed me inside.

I noticed you changing towards me, hardly seeing me, cancelling plans, leaving me on my own at your place for hours and only wanting to know me when you wanted something. You barely spoke to me at all, the texts got fewer, and you went silent on the phone when I was trying to have a conversation with you after not speaking to you all day.

Do you know what it feels like to be treated like an option, to be treated like you are not a priority… To be treated like shit? Oh yeah, of course you do… It happened to you didn’t it. You know that pain. You know that hurt. You know it all yet you thought it would be okay to do that to an innocent person who only wanted the best for you. How could you?!

You mistook my love and affection for being needy or codependent. You were mistaken. You couldn’t look further than yourself to see that what I was giving you was something that you were needing. Something that I was needing. Something I never got in return.

I wanted to be around you. I wanted you in my life even though you were making it so hard for me. That was love babe, why did you turn it into something that felt so wrong, something unnatural? I was always fine on my own. I was fine living my life and being me. You stole that from me and I wanted you to do that in a way that would make me love you more.

Instead it’s made me hate you for what you’ve put me through.

You have taken me for granted. You think by treating me mean it would keep me interested. You thought by having control you have the power.

I took back the power that day and left your ass. I walked away… In fact you made me run.

You made me do what I kept trying to do but you sweet-talked me round with your fake promises and lies. You thought I would stay,. You thought I would keep putting up with you and your two personalities. You were not worthy of my love. You are not worthy of my tears or headspace.

You left me bleeding my heart out to you and you ignored me. You still ignore me, why?! You shut out your girlfriend in her time of need. I needed you to be there for me just like I was there for you but you never came. I messaged you when things got tough. They got tough all because of you. You never once replied. You left me with no choice but to end it. I didn’t want to as stupid as that sounds. I wanted to make it work. I knew if you opened up to me, let me in and stopped being so insecure and cold, we could have been amazing. You never gave me or us a chance. Instead you took the easy way out and avoided me at all costs.

That cuts deep, that right there is the REAL YOU.

I bent over backwards to accommodate you and your needs, I did everything you wanted. I understood you were busy, I understood you had a life that didn’t always include me. The thing is, it never really did include me. I was there for convenience, your toy, your boredom breaker. There was no effort, no romance, nothing to keep me. You didn’t make me feel special. You gave me whiplash. You gave me nothing but fear and pain.

I’d like to think you didn’t do any of this intentionally, but maybe you did—who knows because in reality, I don’t know you at all. How could you be so cold and cruel to someone when they didn’t do anything wrong? They never hurt you. I would never have hurt you. Why cut off all contact before I walked away—was that your way to ensure I would end it so you could play the victim and get what you wanted?
Did you not have the balls to tell me you didn’t want a relationship, that you’re a commitment phobe?

Why did you ask me to be your girlfriend if you didn’t want it, why tell me you love me if you never really meant it? To get into my pants?! I have so many questions that I will never get answers to because you’re an asshole. This I suppose is my closure.

I will say this though—you may not think it now or even see it like this right now. But in a week, a month or in a year’s time, you WILL regret treating me like this. You will regret letting me walk away. You will soon see what you had in me. You will realise that you didn’t lose me. Nope, you couldn’t keep me.So right now whilst you’re busy doing the things that made you have “no time for me”, busy getting into other relationships that you don’t want, you will be fine. It’s when you finally wake up alone, wishing it was me you were waking up to. It’s then when it will really hit you. It’s then when you will experience the pain I went through. It’s then you will WISH you could turn back time and treat me properly.

It is then that I will be able to look you in the eye again and say, “Now you know how it feels.” Now you can suffer like you made me suffer. Except, I never made you feel any pain, you did it yourself and you will only have yourself to blame.

From me to you, the best thing I did was walk away from you.

I will always love you, but right now I am in the healing process, I still miss you and I still feel sad. That sadness is for the life I know we could have had, for the man I fell in love with but who now can fall in love with me all over again.

I am free to find someone who really wants me around, who would do anything for me, who will make me their priority, who will give me the world. I gave you so many chances and you never took them. I am not sorry for leaving you. I am sorry I didn’t do it sooner when I saw the signs but chose to ignore. I love you but I love me more.

I am the one that got away.

You can find my other two published pieces over on Her Way's official website or on their Facebook Page.

You can find my other articles here and here.

Until next time... 

L

X

Madame La La - The Fake Tan That Actually Works? Honest Review.

Hello my lovelies. 

I hope y'all good and well!!

Anybody that knows me or has even seen me, KNOWS I am a pale face, Casper if you may. Ha. I like to think of myself as a true English rose *insert cry laughing face*. 

Even though I am quite low maintenance when it comes to my beauty regime - as in, I don't wear hair extensions, rarely wear false nails or lashes but mostly  I barely if at all really wear fake tan. 

I have tried quite a few brands of fake tan over the years and I haven't ever found a self-tanning kit that works for me. It smells like crap, it ALWAYS goes patchy and it takes forever to dry. I am all about the snap, crackle and pop, nobody got time to be waiting around for a tan to dry before you can get on with your day/night. The struggle is real. 

With all the drama's that have been going on in my life recently (I will fill you in at a later date with all of that) I have only just got round to finally writing my review. 

So, the brand Madame La La very kindly sent me their tan to try out. I have wanted to try it for quite a while now as their packaging really caught my eye. I love monochrome packaging and foil, it has an air of sophistication and is very Instagramable. 

Madame La La sent me their 'Self Tan Mousse' and their 'Bronzing Ball'. The bronzing ball, I will be completely honest... I didn't really get on with it as mine was quite dry and dragged my skin but I have a funny feeling I was using it incorrectly? 

The tanning mousse however I LOVE!!! It promises to give you a 'even, deep golden glow' in 3 hours. It claims to be quick drying, that it's infused with 'Coco Water, Aloe, Green Tea and Vitamin E'. This is to hydrate the skin. They state that your tan will look 'natural whilst adapting to your individual skin tone'. They also state that your tan will last for 10 days. These are all very big claims. 

This is how my tan turned out...

BEFORE WASH OFF

As you can see the tan is quite dark in these photo's - I put the flash on so you could see. Now, because I don't fake tan at all really I am not that good at the prep work before hand. EVERY TIME I tan I always find the bottom of my legs, basically my shins never keep the tan. It kind of rubs off which is odd but it's done this with every tan I use. Anyone know why? 

Anyway I left this on over night and then throughout the working day - these pics were taken on the night just before washing off. It looks pretty dark. I love my tan to look dark but when you wash this off you are left with a lovely natural glow - THAT ISN'T ORANGE!!! 

AFTER WASH OFF

You can see where you are applying the tan which makes it super easy to blend and it does just take 5 mins to dry once you have applied. There is no horrible smell with this either which is a total score. The second time of me applying it, I did find I had patches but that wasn't to do with the tan, it was down to the prep work beforehand and my application as I found it only went patchy in the areas I couldn't reach properly. The only only other thing I would say is that it didn't last 10 days for me but again I think that is down to me and not the product. If anyone has any good prep tips for applying tan please let me know :) 

It is super easy to apply, it dries really quickly, it doesn't smell and it does leave you with a lovely colour that isn't freakin orange. I love this tan and with Spring and Summer coming up I would totally recommend getting this. It's £30 for a 200ml bottle and I can tell you now it's well worth the money because I have a feeling it's going to last a good while too. 

Awesome brand and bloody amazing on social media too. They always interact and are super nice to talk to!

You can find me on my social media accounts too: 

Twitter: Leluroxxblogger

Instagram: Leluroxxlogger

Snapchat: Blackeyedfox 

Until next time... 

L 

X

You Will Search For Me In All The Others But I Won't Found.

Hello my lovelies!!!

It's been a while again since I last blogged. I have literally had soooo many busy months I haven't been able to keep up. Long story short - I ended up with a boyfriend and now I don't have one. Ha. Simple as that. He broke my heart so I have decided to write about it as I never got any closure, call me the Taylor Swift of the blogging world - do me wrong and you're going to get inked. Ha.

I broke the relationship off, not because I really wanted to but I wasn't really given a choice in the matter, I had to walk away, even though I am sad, I am happy with my decision because it turns out he didn't deserve me and this girl ain't all about being used!! Fo'sure!!

The below article is actually something I had written, along with two other pieces for an online publication. All three of my pieces have since been published on Herway.net  . To read all three pieces click here , here and here

This is an outlet for me, I am able to say the things I never got the chance to say to that person. The other piece that I did I will publish later on in the week - that piece is more about all the questions I had and still have - the ones that were never answered.

We weren't together for majorly long but it was intense and it meant something to me, even if it didn't to the other person. I don't 'fall' easily especially after what I went through last year, so this is something I didn't expect to be writing about.

I have learnt from this relationship though and that is; I am strong, I know what I want, I should be more careful with who I let into my life, I shouldn't trust what someone is telling me just because it's what I want to hear and that I am happy and content with who I am as a person. If he or anyone else can't love me for me then go take a hike because I am living for me, join the ride or not at all. :)

I am extremely proud of myself and so happy that I have helped others get closure. So far just on my one piece I have had over 6k + likes on Facebook and almost 2K shares and sooo many comments where my writing has made people cry. My real life is helping others get over theirs and I could not be anymore grateful and blessed to have so many creative 'talents' that allow me to express myself.

Enjoy.

P.S. The bold parts are to amplify the important parts - this was a requirement for this publication. I have also changed a couple of things on here compared to the original.

You will search for me in all the others but I won’t be found.

She’s the girl who would of done anything for you. The kind of girl who bent over backwards to make you happy, she’s the kind of girl who put your needs before her own. She would of loved you unconditionally.

She’s the girl who gave you cuddles and love when you were feeling down and out; or just because. She’s the girl who gave you her body when she was afraid to do so. She’s the girl who gave you her heart, soul and mind because you convinced her to let go and she did it willingly because you ‘loved her’, 'apparently'.

She’s the girl who loved to sit up talking to you until the early hours just to make you smile. She’s the girl that made you stare at her so intensely because she was herself. She’s the girl who would make a fool out of herself just to hear you laugh. She’s the naive girl who believed every word that you told her because she started to fall for you. She’s the idiot that continued to love you after you treated her so badly.

She’s the girl you will spend the rest of your life searching for.

You see, what you failed to notice was the girl standing right in front of you. The girl, that when she looked deep into your eyes, was looking for you to love her like she loved you. Like you told her you would. The girl that hugged you so tightly because she was so scared that if she let you go, you wouldn’t come back. And you didn't. You were too self absorbed and selfish to see the girl standing in front of you slipping away because you thought she would always be there no matter what! You thought wrong!

That girl would of been there if you had only just opened your eyes and treated her with the love and respect she deserved. Treated her like your girlfriend and not like a piece of disposable trash once you were done.

She was the girl who never asked for much from you, only a fraction of your time. She’s the girl that understood your other commitments that took pride over her and gave you all the space you needed even though it killed her. She’s the girl who only wanted a simple text now and then when you were busy saying that you ‘love her’ or ‘missed her’. She’s the girl who craved the attention you used to give her. The girl who accepted that she would never be a priority in your life but settled to get pieces of you as and when you’d give it.

'Your' girl should never of settled for as long as she did. She’s the girl who deserves to be someone's number one priority, she’s the girl who deserves to be loved unconditionally just like she loved you. She deserves the world and you could of given her that. You told her you would give her that. It was all so in your face. She didn’t deserve to be left out in the cold all alone because you abandoned her so cruelly, that she had no choice but to walk away. You broke her after she had just fixed herself.

This girl didn’t want to walk away, she gave you so many chances for you to understand what she was asking from you. It wasn’t a lot! She never asked you for half as much as she gave to you. This girl wanted to be needed, wanted and cared for. She was NEVER a dependant or ‘clingy’ you confused your past relationships with one that was based purely on affection and love. You allowed your past to ruin the best thing that could of happened to you. This girl didn’t want to feel so alone when she was with you. This girl soon realised that your love was a lie, you couldn’t of loved her like she loved you because you would of done anything to keep her, you would of done all the things you had promised and not hurt her so badly.

She’s the girl who laughed at your hurtful joke about something she was insecure about just so you wouldn’t know she was crying inside. She’s the girl who started to sacrifice her own happiness just so you could have yours. She’s the girl who expected nothing from you and actually got nothing. She’s the girl who would lie awake at night beside you sobbing because you stopped embracing her in your arms but would instead turn your back. She’s the girl you got into a relationship with, the one you led to believe you wanted that. This girl was drained and exhausted by you, yet she continued to believe that you would show her that "everything will be just fine" if she "just trusted you". All those empty words mean nothing.

She’s the girl you broke, whose heart you tore into two all because you didn’t realise what you had, you had her at ‘morning beautiful’. It became all about you and never about her, never about us. She’s the girl you slowly stopped contacting hoping she would just ‘go away’ when once all you did was overwhelm her. She’s the girl who hoped you didn’t lie when you told her you ‘“love” her. She’s the girl who waited by her phone for the text she knew she would never receive. She’s the girl whose stomach would jump into her mouth when you cancelled seeing her. She’s the girl who once shined so brightly but your harsh interior rapidly dimmed her light.

You told the girl you love (loved) that she exhausts you because she is a happy, bubbly person, the girl you told you would do anything for, the girl you begged to let you in and not to run. The girl you told deserved more and that you could show her/give her that. The girl you made your girlfriend when deep down you only wanted a fling - I wouldn't know anything different.

The girl who trusted you, the girl who you once kissed on the forehead and held in your arms.

She’s the girl you wouldn’t open up to, who you wouldn’t let in even though she tried so hard to be the one to ‘get you’. She’s the girl who you pushed away with your insecurities and inability to be honest about your demons. She’s the girl you rejected again and again towards ‘the end’ with your cold and detached demeanour. The girl who never asked questions about your turbulent past relationships because she thought in time you would change back to the person she first met.

She’s the girl you wouldn’t become emotionally available for. The girl you never took on an actual date, the girl you never really thought about anymore, the girl who still loved you and all of your flaws. She’s the good girl that you ‘ghosted’ because you are a coward and never grew a backbone enough to let her go.

THAT GIRL WAS ME.

I was the girl who would and could make your life better. I was the girl who would have your back through the good and the bad times. I was the girl capable of loving you like nobody else would or could. I am the girl you couldn’t keep!

It’s only in time that you will understand the pain and the hurt you have put this girl through. She never deserved that, not once did she ever cause you so much heartache, not once did she hurt you, she only ever made everything better.

When you wake up alone craving everything you once had and didn’t fight for, only then will you want, miss and need this girl who begged you not to hurt her. Who begged you not to let her walk away. You will then feel everything that she felt and more - you will have one of the biggest mistakes you have ever made haunting you. You will regret letting her go. Mark my words. Go have all the one night stands you want, get into another relationship, go do all the things in your schedule that you wouldn’t ‘fit’ her in for… You will one day wake up and realise what you had but she is now gone.  

You will never be able to touch her again, hold her in your arms again, kiss her, talk to her when you're feeling down or sleep next to her again. You will never hear her giggle at you again, cry into your chest when she was sad, you will never hear her breathe again! She is now a distant memory, a ghost... Be careful what you wish for because it might just come true.

What you should of known is this and she told you enough… She is a woman who knows her worth, she’s a woman would never put up with the same shit for too long. She’s a woman who had to make one of the hardest decisions in her life and that was to leave the man she grew to love behind as he was slowly killing her. You should of known she is a woman of her word - you disrespect her, intentionally hurt her or make her lose her trust in you and you will be quick to realise just how easy it is for her to cut you off and move on. You will no longer exist.

This is me moving on.

She remembers EVERYTHING but you will be FORGOTTEN.

This diamond will eventually find the man who would do ANYTHING for her, the king to her queen. The MAN who would die for her and not use her as a shield.

You’re the guy that everyone calls an ‘idiot’ because of your actions.

You will soon find she’s the girl you will be searching for in every other person but I will tell you now, you will never find her. Why? Because she was already standing by your side but you lost her whilst you were too busy ignoring her existence.

You were MY guy but now you’re the guy I used to know.

From the girl who will never look back.